DEM CANNA CROSS IT

Last night, I couldn’t get to sleep at all worrying about repercussions to the 50% of the electorate who don’t vote should Everald Warmington somehow find himself in a position of real power.  

The Old Ball and Chain assured me this has as much chance of happening as I have of flying backways on a broomstick to the moon.  You can’t denigrate 50% of Jamaica and expect to be popular anywhere but on civilization’s lunatic fringes.

Finally, I drifted off to a fifth dimension where I was quizmaster of a cable TV game show called “Are You Dumber than a Politician?” Contestants came from all over and the winner was guaranteed a permanent seat in Fools’ Paradise (a.k.a. Gordon House) where speakers never work and workers never speak.

My first question was:  Why Did the Chicken cross the road? There were some interesting answers.   

EVERALD WARMINGTON:  Me neva know ’bout chicken nor road.  If smaddy did tell me ’bout dem me’d a tek appropriate action and stop de chicken.  My computer tell me dat chicken neva vote.  Him don’t count.  How come him get to use de government road?  

DARRYL VAZ:  Just tell that chicken to come live in West Portland.  He can cross any road he can find there as soon as I get some money from central government to build a crossable road. 

ANDREW HOLNESS:   I know NOTHING.  I neva hear Warmy sey de chicken shouldn’t cross de road.  I thought I heard Warmy sey “I can’t count” so me neva t’ink nuttin bout it.

AUDLEY SHAW: When I was Finance Minister, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road many times. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure that every Jamaican chicken gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. I’m going to bring back the love for chicken.

PORTIA SIMPSON-MILLER:Don’t ask me.  Ask Roger Clarke

OMAR DAVIES:   Lawd a massy!  Chicken too?  Is bad enough me haffe spend valuable time t’inking ’bout de safety of two lizard now you bring chicken inna it?  Cho man, jus’ run wid it.

RICHARD AZAN:The chicken crossed the road because I built a coop for him on the other side without it costing the chicken a dime. 

DR. HENRY LOWE:  The chicken crossed the road because the other side had legalized marijuana.

BRIAN “SPUDDY” RICKMAN:        Because me neva know it was shooting season and me neva have me shotgun wid me.  Me was at de hairdresser.  Mek him try it again if him t’ink him bad.

IAN “BOOKLIST” BOYNE:     Some say it was symbolically crossing the floor to change political party.  Others say it had lost its way; lit a candle; sung a sankey; and was finding its way home.  I don’t know.  I have no opinion.  But, if you want to learn more about how chickens think read Adam G Klein’s seminal 2005 book “Yellow-bellied sea snakes

ROBERT PICKERSGILL:        We don’t really care. We want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. It’s either with us or against us. If it’s ideologically incompatible, it’ll soon be chicken feed.

PHILLIP PAULWELL: Use your free I-Pads, look to the left of the screen; you can clearly see a satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

JAMES ROBERTSON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

CAROLYN COOPER: How come we don’t have any black chickens? If that chicken had been taught patois in school, it would’ve told us why it crossed the road in a way we could unnerstan’.

CLIFF HUGHES: We’ve reason to believe there’s a chicken, but we’ve not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.  At the next post-cabinet briefing, Abka will force the Information Minister to tell us why.  Stay tuned.

PAULA LLEWELYN:    The police haven’t yet sent me the file in this matter.  When it arrives, I’ll peruse it and let you have my opinion next year.

SHIRLEY RICHARDS: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ And if you eat that chicken, you’ll become gay too. It’s an abomination!

REV AL MILLER: I offered to chauffeur the chicken but it declined.  Now, I have wigs and dark glasses for sale.

DEEPAK CHOPRA: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Peace and Love

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