A CHRISTMAS HAEMORRHOID

Every year, in every way, the yuletide season becomes unbearably irritating.

Thanks to our new colonizers, the Satellite Dish/Cable and internet, Christmas now begins in October with “Halloween” (whatever that is); then continues in November to Thanksgiving (seriously?) followed by “Black Friday”. No, this isn’t a celebration of blacks’ emancipation it’s an adoption of white commercial gimmickry whereby our merchants must compete with cheap purchases available via internet shopping. Jamaican women, mimicking US counterparts, disappear all day seeking “sales” and leaving husbands and children to fend for themselves. Jamaican identity is the new endangered specie.

Last night, I heard my mama singing a song
Ooh-We, Chirpy, Chirpy, Cheep, Cheep.
Woke up this morning and my mama was gone
Ooh-We, Chirpy, Chirpy, Cheep, Cheep
Chirpy, Chirpy, Cheep, Cheep, Chirp.

After “Black Friday”, we’re immediately assaulted by Christmas music as merchants, rubbing their grubby paws together, prepare for another attack on our wallets. I’ve tried looking to the Church for protection against this annual extortion racket only to realize the Church is its biggest perpetrator. On November 29, the following report appeared on nj.com under the headline Presbyterian Church at New Providence begins Christmas season:

Friday night the Presbyterian Church drew crowds to its lawn to see the types of animals that might have been in the stable where Jesus was born, then to see a live Nativity. There were three sheep, a donkey, two goats and an array of small animals for children to pet or simply watch.

On the entryway to the church, volunteers served cookies and hot cider to all comers….

Luminary bags lined the walkways…including those to the top of the hill, where the large Christmas tree stood and all the activities took place.

After Santa Claus arrived at Provident Bank, the church held a live Nativity program.

Santa in church? Christmas Trees? Cookies and hot cider? WTF? It’s another application of that great sociological thesis, Goodman’s Law. Don’t ask if it’s about the money. It’s ALWAYS about the money.

You see, except at Christmas, Christian Church attendances are down worldwide and their coffers beginning to suffer. So, Christmas is the opportunity to ensnare fresh meat especially from the next generation. To that end, anything goes including fundamental Christian concepts about the real meaning of Christmas. The last Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, called efforts to rescue the Church from the commercial abyss “weary annual attempts by right-thinking people to ban or discourage nativity plays or public carol-singing”.

Church hypocrisy was first explained to me by legendary raconteur and domino kibitzer, Haemorrhoid. Remember Haemorrhoid (the lazy Articled Clerk who complained incessantly about “piles and piles” of files on his desk)? As our final game before Christmas ended, the Dunce asked if we were going to Church. Haemorrhoid nearly choked. “Church?” he exclaimed “I’ll tell you about church!” He interrupted the Dunce’s mantra “If a macca mek it jook yu!” with one of his famous shaggy dog tales this time about an Alabama Pastor named Heywood Jablome.

That Sunday, Heywood addressed his congregation, visibly upset:

“Someone in this congregation spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. That’s a horrible lie which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

“I won’t abide such behaviour. I want whoever said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

Nobody moved.

Heywood continued, “Don’t you have the decency to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you’ll be forgiven. In your heart you’ll find glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, nobody spoke.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body Bo Derek would envy rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered: “Reverend there’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

“I never said you were a Ku Klux Klan member. I simply told some friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”

“Trust me” Haemorrhoid concluded, “On Christmas Day, gather family together. Eat; drink; be merry. You’ll need fortification against regular church encouragement to ‘Do as I say not as I do’ in the New Year”

Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep” composed and recorded by Lally Stott in 1971 was popularized by Scottish band, Middle of The Road. It was a classic example of “Bubblegum pop” a genre epitomised by bands like 1910 Fruitgum Company and The Archies. Middle of the Road’s version was a UK number one hit and one of the fewer than forty singles ever to sell over 10 million physical copies worldwide.

Peace and Love

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